I met this Pigeon the other day…

I met an old pigeon in the Garden today. He looked a bit knackered and ready to give up the ghost so I offered him some bread and we had a chat. It went like this:
Me: Hello Mr. Pigeon
Pigeon: Brreew brrrewwww
Me: Sorry mate you’ll have to speak human; I don’t speak pigeon
Pigeon: I said I’m knackered
Me: Knackered? Why ever is that?
Pigeon: I’m old, I’ve flown thousands of miles, I’m hungry and it’s rained all summer. What planet have you been on?
Me: Fancy some bread?
Pigeon: Is it wholemeal?
Me: Er, no it’s plain white.
Pigeon: Oh alright then but it had better not have crusts, I have no teeth.
Me: Are you a racing pigeon?
Pigeon: I used to be. My electro-magnetic senses were second to none. You and your Marathon des Sables! – Pah! Ive flown over the Sahara numerous times with nothing but my internal compass and a few grains of corn.
Me: Impressive!
Pigeon: Makes me laugh all the fuss you make of the Olympics, I can fly at an average speed of 72 kph – for hours if necessary
Me: You are truly an Olympic pigeon.  “Bradley Pigeons”.
Pigeon: Word of Napoleon’s downfall at Waterloo reached England by pigeon 4 days before the fastest couriers could carry the news by horse and ship!
Me: And a historian.
Pigeon: During World War II 20,000 pigeons were used in the AIF pigeon service. Two Australian pigeons were awarded the Dicken Medal, the animal Victoria Cross, for their services in the war in the Pacific.
Me: I bow to your pedigree. Here, have some more bread.
Pigeon: The record flight for a U.S. Army Signal Corps pigeon was a flight of 3,700km and flights of 1,600km were routine.
Me: Look I really have to go now, I’m getting wet and you seem a lot better
Pigeon: Yeah whatever. Watch out for that Bird Flu.
Me: Sorry?
Pigeon: Aaah-tchoo!
Me: Bye for now.

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