Open letter to pigeons.

Hey Guys

Since so many of you have descended on my garden lately I thought it was about time to have a few words.

Look, I like having wildlife around the place; I actively encourage butterflies on my Ceonothus and on my Buddleia. I am happy to have bees living in my front porch and bats in my loft.  I even spend time ushering daddy long-legs through open windows recognising that with a 2-day life-cycle you need all the freedom you can get.

But these species are respectful of the environment in which they live. The butterfly population in my garden is thriving and a joy to behold.  Pollination is hard and essential work; bees are nature’s key workers.  And bats, the twilight cruisers, are a pleasure to watch and catch lots of midges with no more than the odd “click”.

I am genuinely flattered that the pigeon community feels at home here but I’m going to have to lay down a few ground rules:

  1. Birdfood is for all birds not just pigeons believe it or not. The bird table is a community resource and scaring the bejesus out of robins is unkind.
  2. Chimneys don’t get a lot of use in the summer but that doesn’t mean they should become congregational venues and an open toilet when not in use.
  3. Observe weekends.  I’m not happy about choral practice from 6am on Saturdays.
  4. Learn a new song.  “Coo” will not win you an Ivor Novello award. Coo is a noise not a song anyway and don’t think that “Coo-Coo” is any better.
  5. Have sex by all means but try to be discrete. Use a stable surface not the gutter outside my bedroom window. Take a rest from time to time; you’ll enjoy it more.

birdscarerYou’ve not had great press in the past; I get that.  “Skyrats” seems like a harsh and inaccurate nickname since you have only two legs and no tail. But your hygiene is poor, your contribution to the community is non-existent and you’re an anti-social bunch at the best of times. You may be smart enough to have learned that the bang of the bird-scarer in the fields nearby is not a gun but just the release of compressed air but don’t relax too soon. There will come a time when something a little more military will go bang in my garden unless we see some changes in your behaviour.


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