Since so many of you have descended on my garden lately I thought it was about time to have a few words.
Look, I like having wildlife around the place; I actively encourage butterflies on my Ceonothus and on my Buddleia. I am happy to have bees living in my front porch and bats in my loft. I even spend time ushering daddy long-legs through open windows recognising that with a 2-day life-cycle you need all the freedom you can get.
But these species are respectful of the environment in which they live. The butterfly population in my garden is thriving and a joy to behold. Pollination is hard and essential work; bees are nature’s key workers. And bats, the twilight cruisers, are a pleasure to watch and catch lots of midges with no more than the odd “click”.
I am genuinely flattered that the pigeon community feels at home here but I’m going to have to lay down a few ground rules:
- Birdfood is for all birds not just pigeons believe it or not. The bird table is a community resource and scaring the bejesus out of robins is unkind.
- Chimneys don’t get a lot of use in the summer but that doesn’t mean they should become congregational venues and an open toilet when not in use.
- Observe weekends. I’m not happy about choral practice from 6am on Saturdays.
- Learn a new song. “Coo” will not win you an Ivor Novello award. Coo is a noise not a song anyway and don’t think that “Coo-Coo” is any better.
- Have sex by all means but try to be discrete. Use a stable surface not the gutter outside my bedroom window. Take a rest from time to time; you’ll enjoy it more.
You’ve not had great press in the past; I get that. “Skyrats” seems like a harsh and inaccurate nickname since you have only two legs and no tail. But your hygiene is poor, your contribution to the community is non-existent and you’re an anti-social bunch at the best of times. You may be smart enough to have learned that the bang of the bird-scarer in the fields nearby is not a gun but just the release of compressed air but don’t relax too soon. There will come a time when something a little more military will go bang in my garden unless we see some changes in your behaviour.